WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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