I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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