Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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