Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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