fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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