I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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