she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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