Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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