Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
