there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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