we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
