I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
