I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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