Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
