dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
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season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You need Xanax blowdarts
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
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But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off