dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
