So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just found puke in my bra..
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
