i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
