Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
