I molested 6 butterflies tonight
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
