I think I won the penis lottery.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
