I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
