A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
