hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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