the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
