We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
