Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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