i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
