What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
