So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
Randomize
