Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Randomize
