I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
