Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
