I want to make a zoo with you.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
this will be a night to untag.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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