im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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