you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
Randomize
