ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Randomize
