trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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