You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
MIDGETS
????
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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