He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
