I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
