there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
