Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
and she was petting her beer can
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
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