mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
