She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
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the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
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I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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