Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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