dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Randomize
