My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
