Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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