I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
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