I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Is her dick bigger than yours?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
