Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
