maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
