Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
