I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
True strength comes from lack of pants
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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