so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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