just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
