I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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