How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
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