I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Randomize
