Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
